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Post by Scribbler on Feb 6, 2009 7:39:46 GMT -8
The pilot for Ephemera is up! Ephemera: How the Arrogant are MetI always welcome the thoughts and opinions of my readers, so this thread and the others like it to follow are mostly established to hear what people have to say about the chapter in question. If you have a thought, question, comment, criticism, anything - please feel free to share! Now, what can I say about it myself... the title is organizational. The next two chapters, which directly relate to what's happened in this first one, will be parts of the Arrogance series, after which the focus of the storyline will shift (but not the character) and each story-arc will have their own series moniker. Originally, this wasn't in my plans at all... but what was originally planned to only be the first installment ended up to be three, so I had to figure how to set terms with that. The dialogue was a bit of a challenge for me on this one, and I still wonder if my writing voice focuses too heavily on inward thinking, trying to explain too much of the character and why they act the way they do instead of simply illuminating their actions. Still, I was fairly happy with how this chapter came out; could have done with a better conclusion, maybe, but it established what I needed it to establish.
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mondo
New Member
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Post by mondo on Feb 6, 2009 17:54:38 GMT -8
I thoroughly enjoyed the first installment. You paint a very real environment in your text, something I always enjoy, as I like being able to mentally picture where the characters are, and what they're doing. You also seem to be very knowledgeable on the weaponry and maneuvers of the assassins- is that from research? I'm assuming yes, unless you ARE an assassin, in which case I'll be locking my window..
As for criticism, I only have two points to bring up, and since I'm not a writer, they're probably not that valid anyway.
The first one: I noticed that, moreso in the first few paragraphs, you repeated the same word several times within the same sentence, which I know can be unavoidable. Give me a second and I'll go back and try to find specific examples....
"He navigated them surely, observing the darkening sky and making automatic, sure calculations with a mind left free to wander. " The use of surely and sure so closely together struck me immediately while reading, even though I wasn't looking for it.
Again, please take that criticism with a grain of salt, as like I stated earlier, I'm not a writer, nor do I aspire to be really, so my points are probably moot.
I also found that in some of the longer paragraphs where Azrael is thinking to himself, specifically of the inner-workings of the Couriers, my mind wandered. I had to re-read some of them a few times to really keep it together. The flow that was there seemed to falter for a bit, and then come back together with the following paragraph. It could also be my ADD kicking in, not sure, haha.
All in all, I reeeeeally look forward to the second installment!
-Michael
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Post by Scribbler on Feb 6, 2009 18:18:58 GMT -8
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, Michael!
I already got to talk to you about this over IMs, but you've pointed out some valid flaws in my writing. When I'm writing, I problem-solve through my characters, which is where a lot of the wandering thoughts come in; especially if I feel like I have exposition to do, I'm still learning the best ways to work it into a story. I'm likely to give up and info-dump if there isn't a natural opening for it, because I hate to have things go unexplained when they become relevant unless it's a calculated move. Flow is very important to me when I'm writing, however, so I'm very grateful to know where it seems to stagger. I try to avoid repetition as well, but it looks like some slipped past me; bad place to have it, too, right in the start of the pilot chapter. XD; Ah, well, can't do everything perfect all the time.
And no need to lock your window, most of my knowledge comes from growing up around my parent's Dungeons and Dragons group and being a general nerd when it comes to anything related to that, medieval times, or general combat. Besides which, if I was going to assassinate someone, I'd better know better than to do it when they're expecting it, hm? ;D
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Post by Scribbler on Feb 9, 2009 17:41:22 GMT -8
Just as a head's up: I've been giving the first chapter a lot of thought, talking things over on some writing websites and talking with people for opinions, and I may be revising some of the wording in the first chapter. None of the actual events will be changed, but some sentences may get cropped and rewritten to make things a little smoother, and help with some of the flow issues that were mentioned. I was reluctant to do this because I didn't want to start off by making people re-read what was already published, which is why I'll guarantee again: no significant changes are going to be made, just superficial ones that will make things read better. I'll be reposting this on the main site as well, but well, I've got a forum, I ought to use it. XD
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Post by Scribbler on Feb 17, 2009 23:14:36 GMT -8
Update on the rewrite: Chapter 1 is now down to about 6,400 words, and I still want to prune. I think I'd rip out all the exposition if I could, and leave people wondering. HOWEVER, I'm going to try and wrap up the surgery soon, and either figure out ways to incorporate some more dialogue in order to fill out the 600 words that I need to bring this up to standard, or put it up as the only chapter that will be less than 7,000 words. We'll see how it goes~
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Post by Scribbler on Feb 23, 2009 3:51:30 GMT -8
Another update on the rewrite! I'm done doing damage to the first chapter. It's wound up around 6,300 words, with a lot of unnecessary description removed in the beginning so that it gets into things more quickly, and the first paragraph reworked so that it's a bit more concise and builds a stronger picture of the character. I'm now working on filling out the remaining 700 words; specifically, I'm planning to extend a bit of the conflict in order to fill out the necessary word count. When it's back up to 7,000 words, I'll be reposting the second edition. I've decided that I'll keep the original edition somewhere on the site, so it will be available if anyone is particularly attached to it for some reason; hopefully, though, the revised chapter will be easier for new readers to get into.
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Post by Scribbler on Feb 23, 2009 18:29:05 GMT -8
Well ladies and gents, the revisions are completed. May I never feel compelled to do this again... at least not until the entire story's been wrapped up, eh? Chapter 01: How the Arrogant are Met.
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jaysb
New Member
The Windows to your Soul
Posts: 3
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Post by jaysb on Mar 6, 2009 9:58:07 GMT -8
Heya Scribbler! I just wanted to applaud you once again for providing us with a truly superb treat. I started on the Chapter late Wednesday night, and while I set it down to continue the next morning, the great intrigue of what would happen next certainly swirled around in my head all night. I was quite a happy camper to pick up where I left off yesterday and finish what I can only call one of the best reads I have had the pleasure of having in some time. You certainly have a flair for diction; you detail each scene with such rich eloquent depiction. I think you could be a great inspiration for up and coming writers who want to perfect their craft. Other than the general suggestion as stated above, I don't think there's too much that can be improved. I don't mind when you get a bit wordy or detailed in a paragraph- it truly brings an image to the readers mind, and that's certainly what you want to accomplish. As far as editing, there were only a few places in the entire chapter that needed touching up, and they were only minor tense issues that I caught. However, for such a large amount of material, the chapter was near flawless in regards to having any grammar issues. This paragraph certainly stood out to me, perhaps provoking me to expand the use of detail in my own series... He despised their callous power, more than any words could express. Not for the ease with which it was done – Azrael knew from experience that any perceived grace the act of professional murder might have, it was gained only through years of hard labor and unimaginable trials which forced the perpetrator to perfect the act of killing. But to discard all sense of ethics, responsibility, humanity, and strike out to impenitently take another man's life was a purely disgusting act. Particularly so when one of the many men so murdered had been the exemplifying symbol for all things good during Azrael's young life, torn from him without remorse. At any rate, job well done on the first installment! I am on pins and needles awaiting to see what happens to Azrael! I know you're not going to kill him off (Can you even do that?!), but he is in quite a pickle. It will be interested to see if and how he gets out of his current predicament. Keep up the superb work! -J.
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